The law and legal system is a funny thing in my opinion. I don’t know why, but just thinking about getting arrested is both funny and horribly scary to me at the same time. I suppose my skewed perception of the legal system is attributed to my friend Karol who has been arrested twice since I’ve known her (not trying to put you on blast Karol, but the truth has to be told).
Karol’s first encounter with the law was back in 2005. You see we had been partying like it was 1999 (thank you Prince) at one of our local bars in Lubbock. Everything was fine and drunk, I mean dandy until we left and Karol realized that somebody threw her ID away (who knew a cigarette pack isn’t a good wallet for one to store their ID). So we decided to go to the DMV bright and early the next day to get her a new one (so our debauchery could continue). Little did Karol know that she had a warrant out for her arrest (I think the charge was prostitution or man slaughter, something stupid). Well low and behold an officer pulled Karol into another office where they proceeded to arrest her. Well I just so happened to still be drunk from the night before (yeah it was a good night) so I really didn’t notice what was going on until one of our friends clued me in. Well being Karol’s best friends (and “legal” representation) I burst into the office to see what was going on. Karol at that point was in tears, and part of me felt really bad for her. Luckily it was just a small part of and the rest of me saw the humor in it all. I told the officer that I was Karol’s lawyer and wanted to know what she was being charged with. The officer decided that I was clearly just a drunk idiot and brushed me off. A little stung but not deterred I kept asking what was going to happen to my “client”. Well the officer most definitely answered that question by handcuffing Karol and taking her away. The only “legal” advice I could offer Karol was to not drop the bar of soap. Looking back now I know that wasn’t a very helpful piece of advice.
After that Karol definitely straightened out her criminal ways, until low and behold the bitch got arrested three years later. Now this time I wouldn’t consider as comical (because I wasn’t there). Karol got pulled over on campus for expired registration and got arrested for another warrant that she “didn’t know” she had. The only good thing about Karol being arrested on campus was that her baby wasn’t in the car with her and we didn’t have to bail her baby out of the orphanarium (I think CPS looks down on that type of thing). This time I wasn’t able to give Karol any of my “legal” counsel so she was on her own (probably for the best).
Seeing Karol’s run in the law affirmed that the legal system is still alive and well. Looking back on all the illegal shit I’ve done (I mean witness people do, I’m innocent until PROVEN guilty) and it makes me feel extremely lucky to not have been caught myself. Like the time I was driving high (I mean with pink eye) and got pulled over for a headlight out. I think shitting in my pants was the only thing that got me off that night (seriously, i think the officer just didn’t want to deal with the stench in his car). That made me realize that I’m not entirely immune from the law and I started making my “safety jail plan” for when I got arrested.
The first thing on my “safety jail plan” is to cover my face with tear drop tattoos. That way people know that I’ve “killed” 50 people and they could easily end up being 51 (you see I just need to give the illusion that I’m tough). Next on my agenda is to sharpen my teeth. This might seem like a useful weapon in a yard fight (and I am not above biting somebody in a fight), but that is not what I need it for. Sharpened teeth are going to be my escape method. You see I don’t think the “man” will let me just waltz in with a nail file (and I am most definitely not going to shove one up my bum) so I need my sharpened teeth to gnaw through the bars. If the brilliant idea of sharpening my teeth fails (which I seriously doubt) I am fully prepared to pay my debt to society. But I will need my friends who still have their freedom to bring me this one “luxury” item. I heard David Sedaris talking about it on Letterman, and decided it was a good thing to add to my “safety jail plan”. It’s called the “Stadium Pal” and it’s an external catheter so you never have to pull your pants down to go piss. This little piece of equipment would save me from a lot of trouble in jail (now I only need to invent one for taking dumps so I would never have to be pants less again). The last thing on my “safety jail plan” check list is to start doing some research as to what gang affiliation I want to have (I’m thinking either the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerilla family).
I am constantly thinking of new things to add to my “safety jail plan” so eventually when my karma does catch up with me in a couple of years, I will have the most comfortable and luxurious (not to mention rape free) stay in the big house.
It is my opinion that everybody needs to come up with their own customized “safety jail plan” that will fit their own needs. If you have any suggestions on what I can do to not become somebody’s bitch in jail, suggestions are always welcome!
Hope to hear back from all of you hardened criminals very soon!
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2 comments:
i could not give you many suggestions on how to keep from being someone's bitch in jail since you have been MY bitch for years ;)
You have a strong voice and acerbic humor.
I think editing will increase your message and reduce the need to speak out to your audience; instead your core message will say everything. However, since you're creating a blog, stream of conscience works.
Try experimenting with different ideas and length of entries. Take one small idea and stretch it out; like Karol's car. Or take lots of ideas and compress them into one post.
I like what I'm reading so far. Keep writing.
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