The law and legal system is a funny thing in my opinion. I don’t know why, but just thinking about getting arrested is both funny and horribly scary to me at the same time. I suppose my skewed perception of the legal system is attributed to my friend Karol who has been arrested twice since I’ve known her (not trying to put you on blast Karol, but the truth has to be told).
Karol’s first encounter with the law was back in 2005. You see we had been partying like it was 1999 (thank you Prince) at one of our local bars in Lubbock. Everything was fine and drunk, I mean dandy until we left and Karol realized that somebody threw her ID away (who knew a cigarette pack isn’t a good wallet for one to store their ID). So we decided to go to the DMV bright and early the next day to get her a new one (so our debauchery could continue). Little did Karol know that she had a warrant out for her arrest (I think the charge was prostitution or man slaughter, something stupid). Well low and behold an officer pulled Karol into another office where they proceeded to arrest her. Well I just so happened to still be drunk from the night before (yeah it was a good night) so I really didn’t notice what was going on until one of our friends clued me in. Well being Karol’s best friends (and “legal” representation) I burst into the office to see what was going on. Karol at that point was in tears, and part of me felt really bad for her. Luckily it was just a small part of and the rest of me saw the humor in it all. I told the officer that I was Karol’s lawyer and wanted to know what she was being charged with. The officer decided that I was clearly just a drunk idiot and brushed me off. A little stung but not deterred I kept asking what was going to happen to my “client”. Well the officer most definitely answered that question by handcuffing Karol and taking her away. The only “legal” advice I could offer Karol was to not drop the bar of soap. Looking back now I know that wasn’t a very helpful piece of advice.
After that Karol definitely straightened out her criminal ways, until low and behold the bitch got arrested three years later. Now this time I wouldn’t consider as comical (because I wasn’t there). Karol got pulled over on campus for expired registration and got arrested for another warrant that she “didn’t know” she had. The only good thing about Karol being arrested on campus was that her baby wasn’t in the car with her and we didn’t have to bail her baby out of the orphanarium (I think CPS looks down on that type of thing). This time I wasn’t able to give Karol any of my “legal” counsel so she was on her own (probably for the best).
Seeing Karol’s run in the law affirmed that the legal system is still alive and well. Looking back on all the illegal shit I’ve done (I mean witness people do, I’m innocent until PROVEN guilty) and it makes me feel extremely lucky to not have been caught myself. Like the time I was driving high (I mean with pink eye) and got pulled over for a headlight out. I think shitting in my pants was the only thing that got me off that night (seriously, i think the officer just didn’t want to deal with the stench in his car). That made me realize that I’m not entirely immune from the law and I started making my “safety jail plan” for when I got arrested.
The first thing on my “safety jail plan” is to cover my face with tear drop tattoos. That way people know that I’ve “killed” 50 people and they could easily end up being 51 (you see I just need to give the illusion that I’m tough). Next on my agenda is to sharpen my teeth. This might seem like a useful weapon in a yard fight (and I am not above biting somebody in a fight), but that is not what I need it for. Sharpened teeth are going to be my escape method. You see I don’t think the “man” will let me just waltz in with a nail file (and I am most definitely not going to shove one up my bum) so I need my sharpened teeth to gnaw through the bars. If the brilliant idea of sharpening my teeth fails (which I seriously doubt) I am fully prepared to pay my debt to society. But I will need my friends who still have their freedom to bring me this one “luxury” item. I heard David Sedaris talking about it on Letterman, and decided it was a good thing to add to my “safety jail plan”. It’s called the “Stadium Pal” and it’s an external catheter so you never have to pull your pants down to go piss. This little piece of equipment would save me from a lot of trouble in jail (now I only need to invent one for taking dumps so I would never have to be pants less again). The last thing on my “safety jail plan” check list is to start doing some research as to what gang affiliation I want to have (I’m thinking either the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerilla family).
I am constantly thinking of new things to add to my “safety jail plan” so eventually when my karma does catch up with me in a couple of years, I will have the most comfortable and luxurious (not to mention rape free) stay in the big house.
It is my opinion that everybody needs to come up with their own customized “safety jail plan” that will fit their own needs. If you have any suggestions on what I can do to not become somebody’s bitch in jail, suggestions are always welcome!
Hope to hear back from all of you hardened criminals very soon!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Fuck Oprah...Yeah I said it.
Yeah I know I’m probably going to get a couple of death threats and some letters filled with anthrax (good thing I have a roommate I can ask to open my mail for me) for writing this blog, but what the hell. At least I have Kathy Griffin on my side.
So you’re probably thinking what is there to hate. Why does this guy have such a vendetta against Oprah Winfrey? Is it because she’s rich and successful and famous? The answer to that question my friend is hell no! Typically I love rich and successful people and somehow try to get them to buy me nice shiny new things. The answer to why I loathe Oprah the way I do is her bullshit philanthropic deeds. I know that she has done some really nice things with her money, and don’t get me wrong I do appreciate that aspect of her (hopefully since a said a nice thing like that she’ll ask me to come on her show). The bullshit philanthropic deeds that I am referring to are the petty things she does for her audience members and employees (like buying them cars or taking them on extravagant luxurious trips). I think it is such a waste of money everything that she gives away on her show for people who show up. Since when do people get awarded for skipping work and attending a talk show? I’ll tell you when, when Oprah became the richest woman in the world, that’s when. You’re probably wondering where this deep seeded anger came from. Well you’re in luck, because I am going to tell my story and expose Oprah for who she really is.
A little back story is needed for me to proceed with my Oprah bashing. My friend Karol drives the biggest piece of shit car I have ever seen in my life! It’s a white 93’ Subaru Legacy. I know that doesn’t sound too terribly bad, but unfortunately for Karol (and anybody riding with her if she ever gets in a wreck) it gets much worse. First of all, the passenger airbag is nonexistent, which isn’t too uncommon in older cars. But the fact that her seat belt doesn’t work is a little scary. She has an electronic seatbelt that doesn’t work at all. So pretty much the only thing stopping you from flying through the windshield in a head on collision is a lap belt and a dashboard (kinda scary). Also, her back driver side door doesn’t open from the inside (I had to learn that the hard way when I was drunk in the backseat of her car one time a couple of years ago and had to throw up [I’m still sorry for that mess, I swear I’ll clean it up one day]). Also not exactly what I would call a safety feature (especially if you somehow manage to drive into a lake one day). There’s a lot of cosmetic shit wrong with her car, but I don’t want this to turn into a 30 page blog just on how shitty Karol’s car is. So you’re thinking how the hell this pertains to Oprah. Well give me a fucking second to tie it all together (fucking annoying inpatient people).
You ready for me to tie it together? Ok then. Well I decided to write Oprah last year when I figured out Karol was pregnant to see if she would put her on her show and maybe surprise her with a brand new minivan or some shit. I know, I’m way too nice for my own good. Well the real reason that I wrote her was because I figured Oprah would want to reward me for being such a selfless person and buy me a brand new Porsche or something. Well I fucking missed the mark on that one. I didn’t ever get a response back from her. I didn’t even get a response from a janitor or anything. I was pretty bummed. Oprah killed my kind spirit (you hear that, everybody that I’ve ever wronged in my life, just blame Oprah). So from that day on I decided that I was going to make it my mission to one day expose Oprah for the person that she is. Oprah only gives away fancy gifts to her faculty and audience because she wants to get on shows such as “Fabulous Life” or “The Soup”. Well I think that’s bullshit. If one does good deeds only to be praised publically for it I consider them a phony in my book (but if you still want me to come on your show I would love to Oprah, I love you).
Where was I going with this….oh yeah, Oprah sucks! For all of you Oprah fanatics out there looking to send me mean and dirty letters (and maybe even harmful) go ahead (not really though cause the last thing I need is a fucking Oprah fanatic running my ass off the road and killing me).
So moral of the story is, none of this would have happened if Oprah would have just invited Karol and I on her show and bought us brand new cars. You did this to yourself Oprah. You should have spent your money on me! Too late now though, you have burned that bridge and I will hate you forever (you know I’m kidding Oprah if you still want to buy me that Porsche we could be bff’s). I guess some people are just selfish and materialistic (I’m glad I don’t fall into that category).
One last note I would like to leave you to ponder, I don’t think it is fair that Oprah’s name doesn’t have a red squiggly line under it when I type it in Microsoft Word. I mean it’s not even a real name like Matt. Oh well, just another piece of cosmic humor you can mull over in your head
That’s enough worldly wisdom I can offer for the time being, hope to hear from all of you Oprah fanatics real soon.
So you’re probably thinking what is there to hate. Why does this guy have such a vendetta against Oprah Winfrey? Is it because she’s rich and successful and famous? The answer to that question my friend is hell no! Typically I love rich and successful people and somehow try to get them to buy me nice shiny new things. The answer to why I loathe Oprah the way I do is her bullshit philanthropic deeds. I know that she has done some really nice things with her money, and don’t get me wrong I do appreciate that aspect of her (hopefully since a said a nice thing like that she’ll ask me to come on her show). The bullshit philanthropic deeds that I am referring to are the petty things she does for her audience members and employees (like buying them cars or taking them on extravagant luxurious trips). I think it is such a waste of money everything that she gives away on her show for people who show up. Since when do people get awarded for skipping work and attending a talk show? I’ll tell you when, when Oprah became the richest woman in the world, that’s when. You’re probably wondering where this deep seeded anger came from. Well you’re in luck, because I am going to tell my story and expose Oprah for who she really is.
A little back story is needed for me to proceed with my Oprah bashing. My friend Karol drives the biggest piece of shit car I have ever seen in my life! It’s a white 93’ Subaru Legacy. I know that doesn’t sound too terribly bad, but unfortunately for Karol (and anybody riding with her if she ever gets in a wreck) it gets much worse. First of all, the passenger airbag is nonexistent, which isn’t too uncommon in older cars. But the fact that her seat belt doesn’t work is a little scary. She has an electronic seatbelt that doesn’t work at all. So pretty much the only thing stopping you from flying through the windshield in a head on collision is a lap belt and a dashboard (kinda scary). Also, her back driver side door doesn’t open from the inside (I had to learn that the hard way when I was drunk in the backseat of her car one time a couple of years ago and had to throw up [I’m still sorry for that mess, I swear I’ll clean it up one day]). Also not exactly what I would call a safety feature (especially if you somehow manage to drive into a lake one day). There’s a lot of cosmetic shit wrong with her car, but I don’t want this to turn into a 30 page blog just on how shitty Karol’s car is. So you’re thinking how the hell this pertains to Oprah. Well give me a fucking second to tie it all together (fucking annoying inpatient people).
You ready for me to tie it together? Ok then. Well I decided to write Oprah last year when I figured out Karol was pregnant to see if she would put her on her show and maybe surprise her with a brand new minivan or some shit. I know, I’m way too nice for my own good. Well the real reason that I wrote her was because I figured Oprah would want to reward me for being such a selfless person and buy me a brand new Porsche or something. Well I fucking missed the mark on that one. I didn’t ever get a response back from her. I didn’t even get a response from a janitor or anything. I was pretty bummed. Oprah killed my kind spirit (you hear that, everybody that I’ve ever wronged in my life, just blame Oprah). So from that day on I decided that I was going to make it my mission to one day expose Oprah for the person that she is. Oprah only gives away fancy gifts to her faculty and audience because she wants to get on shows such as “Fabulous Life” or “The Soup”. Well I think that’s bullshit. If one does good deeds only to be praised publically for it I consider them a phony in my book (but if you still want me to come on your show I would love to Oprah, I love you).
Where was I going with this….oh yeah, Oprah sucks! For all of you Oprah fanatics out there looking to send me mean and dirty letters (and maybe even harmful) go ahead (not really though cause the last thing I need is a fucking Oprah fanatic running my ass off the road and killing me).
So moral of the story is, none of this would have happened if Oprah would have just invited Karol and I on her show and bought us brand new cars. You did this to yourself Oprah. You should have spent your money on me! Too late now though, you have burned that bridge and I will hate you forever (you know I’m kidding Oprah if you still want to buy me that Porsche we could be bff’s). I guess some people are just selfish and materialistic (I’m glad I don’t fall into that category).
One last note I would like to leave you to ponder, I don’t think it is fair that Oprah’s name doesn’t have a red squiggly line under it when I type it in Microsoft Word. I mean it’s not even a real name like Matt. Oh well, just another piece of cosmic humor you can mull over in your head
That’s enough worldly wisdom I can offer for the time being, hope to hear from all of you Oprah fanatics real soon.
Your "Fun" Friends
Everybody needs a “fun” friend. Now when I say “fun” friend, I don’t mean a friend that is fun per se. What I actually mean by the term “fun” is that you need to find a friend whose soul purpose in your world is to be made fun of. Before everybody reading this shit gets their panties into a tight ole bunch, hear me out. Everybody, and I mean everybody, has their “fun” friend. Before you start saying “that is fucked up, I cherish the ground that all of my friends walk on” take a second and examine your relationships that you have in your life. Everybody has that one “special” person in their life that is either fatter, dumber, uglier, or crazier than everybody. That sounds really mean and insensitive, and it is (my mean spirit is what makes me the person I am today). If you’re one of those people that needs to see unicorns and butterflies in everything for one this is not the blog you should be reading! Next think about it this way. My friends and I having a “fun” friend is a good thing for the world. I see it as our way of paying our debt to society for being such bad people to everyone/everything around us. I figure this in two different ways. First of all it gives us the outlet to be creative (and funny) people who write things like what you are reading. Secondly, and probably most importantly in your case, we are taking the social rejects into our group of friends so you don’t have to. So before you start talking shit about us for being such “mean” people, your welcome! You’re welcome for making your world a better place since none of those social rejects are following your asses around.
Moral of the story, not everybody is funny (clearly) and not everybody is smart, good looking, or even sane. When you feel like you are fitting into one of the above categories, you need to run and find somebody less attractive, dumber, or crazier than yourself and attach yourself. You attach yourself like fucking crazy glue and keep them around as much as possible. You have found your most important “accessory” you could ever own. You will get two very important functions out of them that I guarantee will make you a better person (at least to my standards anyways). First of all like mentioned above, it will heighten your sense of humor (hopefully). You will start finding humor in everything they do, whether it was intended to be funny or not (usually the funniest things in life are things that are not meant to be funny at all). Say they get ready to go out and they look like absolute shit. Don’t tell them that though, not at the risk of hurting their feelings, at the risk of spoiling your fun for the night. After all this is your “fun” friend, it’s their purpose in life, plus you need some ammo to make fun of them for. So while everybody is laughing at them at the bar for clearly looking like shit wearing you are secretly pointing and laughing with them at your “fun” friend. Next having a “fun” friend around puts everything in perspective. It plays into the idea that “hey, things could be way worse, I could be like them”. So in my opinion having a “fun” friend around is a necessity. And if your “fun” friend isn’t satisfying at least one of the above criteria ditch their asses, cause after all they’re just an accessory.
And if for some off reason you see yourself fulfilling the “fun” friend role in your group (which I doubt you will be since you’re reading my blog and clearly have a sense of humor) don’t panic. You either learn how to have a sense of humor (hopefully my blog will help you out with that one) or you get as much money as you can possibly get your hands on (most definitely cannot help you out with that one, I’m broke as fuck). Then you make everybody who used you as their “fun” friend pay for everything in the most creative and diabolical way possible!
Hope to hear from y’all very soon!
One of my many inspirations,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y
Moral of the story, not everybody is funny (clearly) and not everybody is smart, good looking, or even sane. When you feel like you are fitting into one of the above categories, you need to run and find somebody less attractive, dumber, or crazier than yourself and attach yourself. You attach yourself like fucking crazy glue and keep them around as much as possible. You have found your most important “accessory” you could ever own. You will get two very important functions out of them that I guarantee will make you a better person (at least to my standards anyways). First of all like mentioned above, it will heighten your sense of humor (hopefully). You will start finding humor in everything they do, whether it was intended to be funny or not (usually the funniest things in life are things that are not meant to be funny at all). Say they get ready to go out and they look like absolute shit. Don’t tell them that though, not at the risk of hurting their feelings, at the risk of spoiling your fun for the night. After all this is your “fun” friend, it’s their purpose in life, plus you need some ammo to make fun of them for. So while everybody is laughing at them at the bar for clearly looking like shit wearing you are secretly pointing and laughing with them at your “fun” friend. Next having a “fun” friend around puts everything in perspective. It plays into the idea that “hey, things could be way worse, I could be like them”. So in my opinion having a “fun” friend around is a necessity. And if your “fun” friend isn’t satisfying at least one of the above criteria ditch their asses, cause after all they’re just an accessory.
And if for some off reason you see yourself fulfilling the “fun” friend role in your group (which I doubt you will be since you’re reading my blog and clearly have a sense of humor) don’t panic. You either learn how to have a sense of humor (hopefully my blog will help you out with that one) or you get as much money as you can possibly get your hands on (most definitely cannot help you out with that one, I’m broke as fuck). Then you make everybody who used you as their “fun” friend pay for everything in the most creative and diabolical way possible!
Hope to hear from y’all very soon!
One of my many inspirations,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y
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