Yeah I know I’m probably going to get a couple of death threats and some letters filled with anthrax (good thing I have a roommate I can ask to open my mail for me) for writing this blog, but what the hell. At least I have Kathy Griffin on my side.
So you’re probably thinking what is there to hate. Why does this guy have such a vendetta against Oprah Winfrey? Is it because she’s rich and successful and famous? The answer to that question my friend is hell no! Typically I love rich and successful people and somehow try to get them to buy me nice shiny new things. The answer to why I loathe Oprah the way I do is her bullshit philanthropic deeds. I know that she has done some really nice things with her money, and don’t get me wrong I do appreciate that aspect of her (hopefully since a said a nice thing like that she’ll ask me to come on her show). The bullshit philanthropic deeds that I am referring to are the petty things she does for her audience members and employees (like buying them cars or taking them on extravagant luxurious trips). I think it is such a waste of money everything that she gives away on her show for people who show up. Since when do people get awarded for skipping work and attending a talk show? I’ll tell you when, when Oprah became the richest woman in the world, that’s when. You’re probably wondering where this deep seeded anger came from. Well you’re in luck, because I am going to tell my story and expose Oprah for who she really is.
A little back story is needed for me to proceed with my Oprah bashing. My friend Karol drives the biggest piece of shit car I have ever seen in my life! It’s a white 93’ Subaru Legacy. I know that doesn’t sound too terribly bad, but unfortunately for Karol (and anybody riding with her if she ever gets in a wreck) it gets much worse. First of all, the passenger airbag is nonexistent, which isn’t too uncommon in older cars. But the fact that her seat belt doesn’t work is a little scary. She has an electronic seatbelt that doesn’t work at all. So pretty much the only thing stopping you from flying through the windshield in a head on collision is a lap belt and a dashboard (kinda scary). Also, her back driver side door doesn’t open from the inside (I had to learn that the hard way when I was drunk in the backseat of her car one time a couple of years ago and had to throw up [I’m still sorry for that mess, I swear I’ll clean it up one day]). Also not exactly what I would call a safety feature (especially if you somehow manage to drive into a lake one day). There’s a lot of cosmetic shit wrong with her car, but I don’t want this to turn into a 30 page blog just on how shitty Karol’s car is. So you’re thinking how the hell this pertains to Oprah. Well give me a fucking second to tie it all together (fucking annoying inpatient people).
You ready for me to tie it together? Ok then. Well I decided to write Oprah last year when I figured out Karol was pregnant to see if she would put her on her show and maybe surprise her with a brand new minivan or some shit. I know, I’m way too nice for my own good. Well the real reason that I wrote her was because I figured Oprah would want to reward me for being such a selfless person and buy me a brand new Porsche or something. Well I fucking missed the mark on that one. I didn’t ever get a response back from her. I didn’t even get a response from a janitor or anything. I was pretty bummed. Oprah killed my kind spirit (you hear that, everybody that I’ve ever wronged in my life, just blame Oprah). So from that day on I decided that I was going to make it my mission to one day expose Oprah for the person that she is. Oprah only gives away fancy gifts to her faculty and audience because she wants to get on shows such as “Fabulous Life” or “The Soup”. Well I think that’s bullshit. If one does good deeds only to be praised publically for it I consider them a phony in my book (but if you still want me to come on your show I would love to Oprah, I love you).
Where was I going with this….oh yeah, Oprah sucks! For all of you Oprah fanatics out there looking to send me mean and dirty letters (and maybe even harmful) go ahead (not really though cause the last thing I need is a fucking Oprah fanatic running my ass off the road and killing me).
So moral of the story is, none of this would have happened if Oprah would have just invited Karol and I on her show and bought us brand new cars. You did this to yourself Oprah. You should have spent your money on me! Too late now though, you have burned that bridge and I will hate you forever (you know I’m kidding Oprah if you still want to buy me that Porsche we could be bff’s). I guess some people are just selfish and materialistic (I’m glad I don’t fall into that category).
One last note I would like to leave you to ponder, I don’t think it is fair that Oprah’s name doesn’t have a red squiggly line under it when I type it in Microsoft Word. I mean it’s not even a real name like Matt. Oh well, just another piece of cosmic humor you can mull over in your head
That’s enough worldly wisdom I can offer for the time being, hope to hear from all of you Oprah fanatics real soon.
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1 comment:
If she invites you on, let her know that I've been injusticed by men in general and would like some female empowerment in the form of a nice, large check ;)
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